According to Brenda Schaeffer, who has written about the difference between love and addiction, addiction is composed of three elements: obsession or preoccupation, a feeling of being out of control, and continuation despite negative physical and psychological consequences. As with other addictions, the signs of addictive relating often become increasingly evident – but often not to the people involved.

As I work with male couples I often see this pattern of relationship soon after a man has gone through the initial coming out process. When they feel a new sexual freedom and at the same time the strong influence of internalized homophobia. The still deep seeded belief by society that to be gay means that you cannot form lasting relationships and you are doomed to be alone all your life. Often men rush in to a relationship, any relationship to have that “feeling of being normal” and use the relationship as a “drug” to avoided the further resolution of the effects of the internalized societal homophobia.